As a nurse, I have seen death and I have seen birth. And just know I have been at some pretty low points with my own anxiety and depression. I have also been numb, disconnected and burnt out. So wherever you are in your journey, I can relate. 

It started in 2011, my mom passed away from lung cancer at the age of 49. She didn’t make it to 50. This had thrown me into the world of nursing. I can now say, looking back on this move it was a way to heal from my mom’s passing. To learn everything I can about the body and to help others in the long run. I had NO idea what I was walking into. I struggled in nursing school due to the simple fact that I was never really good at school. My major all through high school was graphic design. You didn’t have to be academically smart for that…

I graduated in 2015 with my Bachelor’s of Science in Nursing (BSN). Through my struggles in nursing school I had learned hard work and dedication. I had also turned on my anxiety and over thinking brain- more to come on that piece. But after graduation I needed to pass my boards in order to actually start practicing as a nurse. Whelp. Let’s just say my anxiety interfered with that one. I got in my head, didn’t take any breaks and failed at my first attempt at this test. My test shut off at 265 questions. The maximum questions you can get. Let’s just say I kept thinking “What if I fail.” And I believe it is because of this thought I did actually fail. 

I studied again, this time a little different strategy. When the date finally came to take the test again, I made sure I would take my break after 75 questions (the bare minimum questions you can get) and of course, I went in with a more confident mindset. As I hit question 75, and because I realized I needed to make taking breaks a priority. I had that internal dialog with myself. “Just one more question and I am going to break for some water and a stretch.” I answered the question and the test shut off. I was done. 

My first thought was “SHIT. I could not have failed so bad that it didn’t even let me continue with the test.” I then shook those thoughts from my head. I grabbed my stuff and headed on my way. 

3 days later I got my official results. I passed my boards. I was officially a registered nurse. 

As a new grad nurse, I was as most are before they are burnt out. I was excited, full of energy and eager to learn. I quickly fell into a burnt out numb state, where it was the only way I could deal with my reality. I was in nursing and it was totally not what I expected. I started in a Skilled Nursing Facility(SNF), or barely one. It was marketed as such but was really a glorified nursing home. We were, as most healthcare facilities are, short staffed and have more patients then we know what to do with. AND this was BEFORE the pandemic. As a new grad nurse I was the charge nurse 3-11pm. I had three days of training and I was off on my own. It was scary, overwhelming and I had this constant fear that I was going to lose my license due to poor staffing. I lasted 9 months. I didn’t even make it a year. My next job was at another SNF. It was larger and I was truly on a rehab floor. It was where I thought I wanted to be. We were properly staffed in the beginning. I felt good again. I made it a year and a half. It wasn’t until 2018, my world came crashing down again. It was yet another let down I could not at all control and I felt betrayed by God, The Universe, Creator, who ever you believe in. 

I had taken my first vacation in two years. I was excited. Time off to decompress from the weight of being a nurse. It is still a difficult job despite things being better. I went to Orlando, Florida with my boyfriend at the time and his family and Godson. We had a blast. My boyfriend and I were walking around Disney Springs one night. He stopped on one of the bridges next to water. He got down on one knee. He had proposed. I said yes and felt the high of this night and this vacation. I felt like things were starting to look up. 

It was not until the day after we landed back at home, I got the phone call. I was sitting in bed, scrolling on pintrest to get wedding ideas. My phone rang, it was my aunt. My dad had a heart attack. He was in the hospital and had a heart attack. my stomach was in knots. 

 The hospital my Dad was admitted to was about an hour away from me. When I was finally able to arrive at the ICU the nurse said. “Well your father didn’t tell me you were coming.” Which, rubbed me the wrong way. See after my Mom passed my Dad had a really hard time with it. He stopped taking care of himself, did not take his prescribed medications for his heart as well as drinking, smoking and eating all the bad stuff on the daily. Our relationship was a tad bit rocky as he pulled away and I was unsure of how to help him. Despite this undertone, he texted me his daily “Good morning, I love you text.” and today was no different. 

So, I was a bit peeved at the nurse. But I let it go because all I wanted to do was to see my dad. I walked into his ICU room. He was on Oxygen with respirations at 30-40, which was on the high side for someone who is on oxygen with no previously diagnosed lung disease. I was a bit worried but I again, let it go. I wanted to trust that God, Universe, Creator had my back. Whelp, I should have been that nurse daughter to go in and advocate. 

He was hooked up to oxygen saturation machine as well as a telemetry machine, which gave the ICU nurse information about how my Dad’s heart was doing in real time. As I was sitting with him he was dozing off, and his machine sounded. My heart skipped a beat and the nurse silenced the alarm. She told me he was tired. I then told my dad I loved him, kissed him on the forehead and told him I would be in the waiting room so he could get some rest. It was maybe 20 minutes later I heard them call a Code Blue to my dads room. Now, I am not ready to go into details about what happened next but my Dad didn’t make it, they performed CPR for about an hour and looked to me to make that all important decision to stop.

My dad died from a broken heart that day. Physically yes, his heart was broken but he did not want to exist in this world without my mother. I believe he didn’t fight it. I believe he surrendered and that was his end.

Neither one of my parents have made it past 60 years old. This has made a significant impact on my life and it has definitely snowballed into the career path I have chosen. I have now chosen even further to put myself out there. Advocate for the importance of mental health, because as a result of my father’s death I had become numb, void of feeling, disconnected feeling like I was stuff in a loop of burn out with my job. It took me a while to be able to dig down deep, realize I was burnt out and numb. On my quest to “fix” this I had pushed myself in the opposite direction. I had become depressed, anxious and not knowing where to turn too. 

After my Dad’s passing, I continued to shut down. I was guarded and not even consciously realizing I was avoiding anything and EVERYTHING hard. I didn’t process my feelings, I didn’t allow myself to feel. I wanted nothing to do with that. 

I knew something inside of me was screaming at the top of its lungs that I was unhappy, I was stuck and disconnected. This is when I found Nurse Coaching. It was through nurse coaching, and through my experience with psych patients I was seeing I truly began to see how disproportionate this world was. If you did not have money, if you were uneducated, you lacked the knowledge to eat a healthy diet and lead a healthy lifestyle. But I soon realized it was more than just an education issue. It was a self-worth thing as well. 

I found myself binge eating to deal with the grief of the lost of my parents as well as dealing with the pandemic circling the world and ravaging the medical community. I would bust my ass at work use ALL my energy into taking care of my patients that by the time I got home I had NO energy to cook for myself. And so, I would eat out ALOT. And like every single night I would go overboard with it. Oh. I’m feeling like shit today, ok let me have some Mac and Cheese bites and french fries and a large steak and cheese sub to go with it. 

No one taught me to deal with these emotions and I was too lost in the sauce to realize what I was doing to myself. Eventually, I had enough. I was 186lbs I had gained at least 40lbs. I avoided looking at myself in the mirror and I avoided the scale. I told myself countless stories of how maybe I just wasn’t meant to be skinny. Maybe it was too hard for me to lose weight. 

I realized through nurse coaching and becoming more aware of my body and eating more of a plant-based diet how I can truly not end up like my parents. How if I just took care of myself I would make it to 60 and beyond.

This is why nurse coaching is the answer to alot of our sick model of care. How nurse coaching can help keep you on track and hold you accountable. You dive deep into your blocks and your nurse coach is right beside you cheering you on. I love it. 

It has also helped me dive deep into my own mental health, helping me realize maybe I’m not fine. Maybe I do need help. 

During my “awakening” from that numb state to being able to feel the feelings. I have come to realize I do have some serious anxiety and depression issues.

I have had panic attacks where I literally feel like I am dying. I have had those days where I just don’t want to human. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to function.

Why do I keep pushing myself through these feelings, through these intense emotions?

Because I am worth it. AND YOU ARE TOO. 

You are worth putting up with your shit and pushing yourself day in and day out. 

And I want to help you see that. 

I am sharing this story with you today as proof you can do hard things, with the right mindset. Always bet on yourself. Trust yourself. 

You may be stuck in a numb loop or anxiety/depression maybe kicking your butt right now. But there is always an out and you can work through it. You may need help, you may even need professional help, you may need more than to work on your mindset. But just know I can relate. You are not alone.

SO what in the heck is Nurse Coaching?

My purpose as a nurse coach is to elevate my client’s mindset, help them move from auto pilot to actually learning about who they are and what their core values are. Moreover, I would like to open people up to the holistic modalities of health and wellness so that there is less chronic disease in this world and less death from totally preventable diseases.

As I coach you through your own health and wellness journey we also look at you the client as whole to figure out what is preventing you from taking the next steps in your goals. I will hold space for you to figure your shit out, to cry, to laugh and realize your truest potential. Keeping in mind, you are in the driver’s seat and we will only be going as deep as you would like. You are 100% in charge.

why do I do what I do?